The Real Issues

fred thompson, the douchebag republican of law and order fame, has just allowed the rest of the world a sneak peek into his greatest strengths as a leader and a politician. zack wamp, a republican congressman from the great confederate state of tennessee, spoke of thompson's strengths yesterday.

"he has a commanding voice. he has a commanding presence. he makes people feel secure.
he makes us feel confident."

aaahhh. there it is. for the next president of the united states of america, we should vote for dad. i love republicans. they chatter on endlessly about the hollywood connections that democrats so ruthlessly exploit for campaign contributions, and yet they are the party whose only superstars have been second-rate actors turned second-rate politicians. ronald reagan, that useless and genocidal gasbag who didn't have any clue as to what his job description was, would often regale audiences with stories of his heroic exploits during the second world war. that is, until someone reminded him that he didn't serve during the second world war and that he was describing movies in which he had acted.

then it was time for the governator, that ripped nazi-stock sleazebag who confronted critics of bush's tax cuts for the most insulated one percent of the american population by calling them, in essence, "faggots." (i believe "economic girlie-men" was the inspired epithet.)

and now we are blessed with fred thompson, the senator-turned-actor-turned faux presidential candidate. is it me, or is it a bit weird that he has chosen to skip all of the debates? not that the republican presidential debates serve as much more than a platform for each of the would-be neanderthals to preen in front of adoring republican die-hards, grab their crotch and threaten a righteous death from above for all who disagree with american imperialism, but a viable candidate should still participate and grab his crotch alongside rudy and mitt.

right?

i mean, at least republicans are worried about substantive issues and not flimsy, cutsie problems like commanding voices and making us feel good.

perhaps they can hire maureen dowd away from her pointless columns and together they can wring their hands about john edwards' haircuts and john kerry's suits.